Alternatives to “We Need to Talk”: Expanding Your Communication Toolkit

The phrase “We need to talk” can often trigger anxiety and unease, even if the intended conversation is benign. Mastering alternative ways to initiate important discussions is a crucial skill for effective communication in personal, professional, and social contexts.

This article explores various phrases and approaches you can use instead, providing a comprehensive guide to softening the blow while still conveying the importance of the conversation. Understanding these nuances will help you navigate sensitive topics with greater empathy and achieve more positive outcomes.

This guide is beneficial for anyone looking to improve their communication skills, especially those in leadership roles, educators, counselors, or anyone who frequently engages in difficult conversations.

This article will cover a range of alternative phrases, their specific contexts, and the subtle differences in meaning and impact. We will also explore practical examples, usage rules, common mistakes, and practice exercises to help you internalize these concepts.

By the end of this guide, you will have a richer communication toolkit to approach difficult conversations with confidence and sensitivity.

Table of Contents

Defining the Need for Alternatives

The phrase “We need to talk” often carries a negative connotation due to its association with serious or unpleasant discussions. This automatic association can put the other person on the defensive, making it harder to have a productive conversation.

The goal of using alternative phrases is to signal the need for a discussion without immediately triggering anxiety or resistance. These alternatives aim to create a more open and receptive environment, fostering trust and collaboration.

The effectiveness of each alternative depends on the context, the relationship between the speakers, and the nature of the topic. A more formal or professional setting might require a different approach than a casual conversation with a friend or family member.

Similarly, a sensitive topic might necessitate a more empathetic and gentle approach.

The ability to choose the right phrase demonstrates emotional intelligence and communication skills. It shows that you are mindful of the other person’s feelings and are committed to having a constructive dialogue.

By mastering these alternatives, you can significantly improve the quality of your conversations and strengthen your relationships.

Structural Breakdown of Alternative Phrases

Alternative phrases to “We need to talk” often involve specific structural elements designed to soften the impact and encourage openness. These elements include:

  • Hedging language: Using words like “maybe,” “perhaps,” or “possibly” to soften the directness of the statement.
  • Positive framing: Focusing on the potential benefits or positive outcomes of the conversation.
  • Collaborative language: Using words like “together,” “discuss,” or “explore” to emphasize a shared approach.
  • Empathetic language: Acknowledging the other person’s feelings or perspective.
  • Specific context: Providing a brief explanation of the topic to be discussed.

By incorporating these elements, you can create phrases that are less confrontational and more inviting. For example, instead of saying “We need to talk,” you might say “Maybe we could discuss something when you have a moment?” This phrasing includes hedging language (“maybe”) and collaborative language (“discuss”), making it less intimidating.

Understanding these structural elements allows you to tailor your language to the specific situation and the person you are talking to. It also helps you to craft new, personalized phrases that effectively convey your message while maintaining a positive and respectful tone.

Types and Categories of Alternative Phrases

There are several categories of alternative phrases to “We need to talk,” each with its own nuances and intended effects. Understanding these categories can help you choose the most appropriate phrase for a given situation.

Direct but Gentle Approaches

These phrases are straightforward but use softer language to avoid sounding accusatory or demanding. They clearly indicate the need for a conversation but do so in a way that minimizes anxiety.

Examples include: “I wanted to chat with you about something,” or “There’s something on my mind I’d like to discuss.” These phrases are direct in stating the intention to talk but use less confrontational words like “chat” and “discuss.”

Indirect Approaches

Indirect approaches ease into the conversation without explicitly stating the need to talk. They might start with a general question or observation to gauge the other person’s willingness to engage.

Examples include: “Do you have a moment to talk?” or “I was wondering if we could find some time to connect.” These phrases are less direct and allow the other person to gracefully decline if they are not in a good space to talk.

Collaborative Approaches

These phrases emphasize a shared approach to problem-solving or decision-making. They frame the conversation as a joint effort rather than a one-sided lecture.

Examples include: “I’d like to work through something together,” or “Can we brainstorm some ideas about this?” These phrases promote a sense of partnership and shared responsibility.

Solution-Oriented Approaches

These phrases focus on finding a resolution or making progress on a specific issue. They frame the conversation as a step towards a positive outcome.

Examples include: “I have some ideas about how we can improve this,” or “Let’s see if we can find a way forward on this issue.” These phrases are proactive and emphasize the potential for positive change.

Empathetic Approaches

These phrases acknowledge the other person’s feelings or perspective and demonstrate a willingness to listen and understand. They create a safe and supportive environment for open communication.

Examples include: “I understand this might be difficult to talk about,” or “I wanted to check in and see how you’re feeling about this.” These phrases show empathy and concern, which can help to build trust and rapport.

Examples of Alternative Phrases

Here are some specific examples of alternative phrases, organized by category, to illustrate their usage and effectiveness in various contexts. These tables provide a wide range of options that you can adapt to your own communication style and the specific situation at hand.

Direct but Gentle Examples

This table provides a multitude of examples of direct but gentle ways to initiate a conversation. These phrases aim to be clear without causing undue alarm.

Phrase Context Nuance
“I’d like to chat with you about something when you’re free.” Workplace, casual Friendly and informal.
“I have something I’d like to discuss with you briefly.” Workplace, formal More professional and concise.
“There’s something on my mind I wanted to share.” Personal, intimate Gentle and personal.
“I was hoping we could talk about something later.” Personal, neutral Suggests flexibility.
“I have a question for you regarding [topic].” Workplace, specific Direct but focused.
“I wanted to touch base about [project/issue].” Workplace, project-related Common in business settings.
“Could we find a few minutes to talk privately?” General, serious Indicates privacy is important.
“I need to talk to you about [topic], when you have a moment.” Direct, but polite More direct, but still respectful of their time.
“I want to go over something with you.” Workplace, collaborative Implies a review or shared understanding.
“I have something to run by you.” Workplace, informal Suggests seeking feedback or input.
“I was hoping to get your thoughts on something.” Workplace, seeking advice Highlights the value of their opinion.
“There’s something I need to tell you.” Personal, neutral Slightly more serious, but neutral in tone.
“I have something to say to you.” Personal, direct Can be perceived as slightly more intense.
“Can we talk about [topic] when you’re not busy?” General, considerate Shows consideration for their schedule.
“I wanted to bring something up with you.” General, neutral A common and neutral phrase.
“I’d like to have a word with you.” Formal, serious More formal and potentially serious.
“I need a quick word with you.” Formal, quick Implies a brief conversation.
“I have a small matter to discuss with you.” Formal, minor Suggests the issue is not major.
“I wanted to consult with you on something.” Workplace, seeking expertise Highlights their expertise.
“I have a concern I’d like to share.” Workplace, concern Expresses a specific concern.
“I’d like to get your input on something.” Workplace, collaborative Seeks their participation.
“I have some feedback for you.” Workplace, feedback Directly states the intention to provide feedback.
“I wanted to check in with you about [topic].” General, checking in Implies a follow-up or update.
“There’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.” Personal, delayed Suggests the conversation has been pending.

Indirect Examples

This table offers several indirect ways to initiate a conversation, often by starting with a general question or observation. These phrases can be helpful when you want to gauge the other person’s readiness to talk.

Phrase Context Nuance
“Do you have a moment to talk?” General, polite Simple and polite.
“I was wondering if we could find some time to connect.” General, flexible More open-ended.
“Is now a good time to chat?” General, considerate Asks about their availability.
“Are you free to talk for a few minutes?” General, time-sensitive Specifies a short duration.
“When would be a good time to catch up?” General, scheduling Focuses on finding a convenient time.
“I’ve been meaning to ask you about something.” General, casual Implies a pre-existing question.
“I had a thought and wanted to get your opinion.” General, seeking opinion Highlights the value of their perspective.
“Something came up that I wanted to discuss with you.” General, unexpected Suggests the topic is new or unplanned.
“I’m not sure if this is the right time, but…” Uncertain, hesitant Acknowledges potential inconvenience.
“I wanted to see how you were feeling about [topic].” Empathetic, checking in Shows concern for their emotional state.
“I was hoping to get your perspective on something.” Seeking perspective Indicates a desire to understand their viewpoint.
“I’ve been pondering something and would value your input.” Seeking input, thoughtful Highlights the importance of their contribution.
“I’m working through something and could use your advice.” Seeking advice, vulnerable Shows vulnerability and trust.
“I’m trying to figure something out and was hoping you could help.” Problem-solving, collaborative Frames the conversation as a joint effort.
“I’m facing a challenge and wanted to see if you had any insights.” Challenge, seeking insights Focuses on overcoming a specific obstacle.
“I’m exploring some options and would appreciate your thoughts.” Exploring options, open-minded Indicates a willingness to consider different perspectives.
“I’m considering something and wanted to get your feedback.” Seeking feedback, considering Specifically requests their feedback.
“I’m evaluating a situation and would like your assessment.” Seeking assessment, evaluating Asks for their evaluation of the situation.
“I’m gathering information and wanted to hear your experience.” Gathering information, experience Values their past experiences.
“I’m researching something and thought you might have some knowledge.” Researching, knowledge Acknowledges their expertise.
“I’m trying to understand something better and was hoping you could explain it.” Seeking explanation, understanding Asks for clarification.
“I’m looking for some guidance and thought you might have some wisdom.” Seeking guidance, wisdom Highlights their wisdom and experience.
“I’m navigating a situation and would appreciate your support.” Seeking support, navigating Requests their support and understanding.
“I’m dealing with something and wanted to share it with you.” Sharing, dealing Expresses a desire to share their experience.
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Collaborative Approaches

This table showcases collaborative phrases that frame the conversation as a joint effort, promoting a sense of partnership and shared responsibility in addressing the topic at hand.

Phrase Context Nuance
“I’d like to work through something together.” General, collaborative Emphasizes teamwork.
“Can we brainstorm some ideas about this?” Problem-solving, creative Suggests a creative approach.
“Let’s discuss how we can move forward on this.” Progress-oriented, forward-thinking Focuses on making progress.
“I was hoping we could collaborate on a solution.” Solution-oriented, collaborative Highlights the desire for a joint solution.
“Can we put our heads together to figure this out?” Informal, problem-solving Friendly and informal.
“I’d like to get your perspective on this so we can align our approaches.” Alignment, perspective Seeks alignment and understanding.
“Let’s explore some options together and see what works best.” Exploring options, flexible Indicates a willingness to consider different options.
“Can we work together to find a solution that benefits everyone?” Win-win, solution-focused Emphasizes a mutually beneficial outcome.
“I think we can achieve more if we work together on this.” Achievement, teamwork Highlights the benefits of teamwork.
“Let’s have an open discussion about this and see where it leads us.” Open discussion, exploratory Encourages open and honest communication.
“I want to hear your thoughts on this so we can make an informed decision.” Informed decision, input Values their input in the decision-making process.
“Can we share our perspectives and find common ground?” Common ground, perspective Seeks common understanding and agreement.
“Let’s create a plan together to address this issue.” Planning, proactive Focuses on creating a proactive plan.
“I believe we can resolve this more effectively if we collaborate.” Effective resolution, collaboration Highlights the effectiveness of collaboration.
“Can we combine our strengths to overcome this challenge?” Strengths, challenge Focuses on leveraging their combined strengths.
“Let’s pool our resources and expertise to find a solution.” Resources, expertise Emphasizes the value of their combined resources.
“I’m confident we can find a positive outcome if we work together.” Positive outcome, confidence Expresses confidence in their ability to find a positive outcome.
“Can we co-create a strategy that aligns with our goals?” Strategy, alignment Focuses on creating a strategy that aligns with their goals.
“Let’s engage in a constructive dialogue to address this concern.” Constructive dialogue, concern Encourages a constructive and respectful dialogue.
“I propose we collaborate on this to leverage our collective intelligence.” Collective intelligence, collaboration Highlights the value of their collective intelligence.
“Can we synergize our efforts to achieve a better result?” Synergy, better result Focuses on achieving a better result through synergy.
“Let’s co-design a solution that meets everyone’s needs.” Co-design, needs Emphasizes the importance of meeting everyone’s needs.
“I suggest we work in tandem to resolve this issue efficiently.” Tandem, efficiently Focuses on resolving the issue efficiently.
“Can we join forces to tackle this challenge effectively?” Join forces, challenge Encourages them to join forces to tackle the challenge.

Solution-Oriented Examples

This table lists solution-oriented phrases that frame the conversation as a step towards a positive outcome, focusing on finding a resolution or making progress on a specific issue.

Phrase Context Nuance
“I have some ideas about how we can improve this.” Improvement, proactive Focuses on making things better.
“Let’s see if we can find a way forward on this issue.” Progress, issue-focused Highlights the need to move forward.
“I was hoping we could come up with a plan to address this.” Planning, proactive Focuses on creating a plan.
“Let’s explore some potential solutions to this problem.” Problem-solving, exploratory Suggests a willingness to consider different solutions.
“I think we can find a resolution that works for everyone.” Win-win, resolution-focused Emphasizes a mutually beneficial outcome.
“Let’s discuss some strategies for overcoming this challenge.” Strategies, challenge Focuses on overcoming a specific challenge.
“I want to talk about how we can make this situation better.” Improvement, situation-focused Highlights the desire to improve the situation.
“Let’s see if we can identify some actionable steps to take.” Actionable steps, proactive Focuses on taking concrete actions.
“I was hoping we could develop a strategy to achieve our goals.” Strategy, goals Focuses on achieving their goals.
“Let’s brainstorm some creative solutions to this problem.” Creative solutions, problem-solving Suggests a creative approach to problem-solving.
“I want to discuss how we can optimize our processes for better results.” Optimization, results Focuses on improving processes for better results.
“Let’s explore some innovative approaches to address this issue.” Innovative approaches, issue-focused Suggests a willingness to consider new approaches.
“I think we can find a more efficient way to handle this.” Efficiency, process-focused Focuses on improving efficiency.
“Let’s discuss how we can streamline our workflow for better productivity.” Streamlining, productivity Focuses on improving productivity through streamlining.
“I want to talk about how we can enhance our performance.” Enhancement, performance Highlights the desire to improve performance.
“Let’s see if we can identify some key areas for improvement.” Key areas, improvement Focuses on identifying areas for improvement.
“I was hoping we could develop a plan to maximize our potential.” Maximizing potential, planning Focuses on maximizing their potential.
“Let’s explore some strategies for achieving our objectives.” Strategies, objectives Focuses on achieving their objectives.
“I want to discuss how we can leverage our resources more effectively.” Leveraging resources, effectiveness Focuses on using resources more effectively.
“Let’s see if we can find a more sustainable solution to this problem.” Sustainable solution, problem-solving Focuses on finding a long-term solution.
“I was hoping we could develop a strategy to create a positive impact.” Positive impact, strategy Focuses on creating a positive impact.
“Let’s explore some innovative ways to add value to our work.” Adding value, innovation Focuses on adding value through innovation.
“I want to discuss how we can optimize our efforts for greater success.” Optimization, success Focuses on achieving greater success through optimization.
“Let’s see if we can find a more effective approach to this challenge.” Effective approach, challenge Focuses on finding an effective approach.

Empathetic Examples

This table provides a range of empathetic phrases that acknowledge the other person’s feelings or perspective, creating a safe and supportive environment for open communication.

Phrase Context Nuance
“I understand this might be difficult to talk about.” Sensitive topic, understanding Acknowledges the difficulty of the conversation.
“I wanted to check in and see how you’re feeling about this.” Checking in, emotional support Shows concern for their emotional state.
“I’m here to listen if you need to talk about anything.” Offering support, listening Offers a listening ear.
“I wanted to see if you’re doing okay with everything that’s been going on.” Checking in, recent events Shows concern about recent events.
“I’m aware this is a sensitive issue, and I want to approach it with care.” Sensitive issue, care Expresses a desire to handle the issue with care.
“I want to ensure you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts with me.” Comfort, open communication Encourages open communication.
“I’m here to support you, no matter what.” Unconditional support, reassurance Offers unwavering support.
“I want to understand your perspective on this.” Perspective, understanding Shows a desire to understand their viewpoint.
“I’m committed to creating a safe space for us to talk openly.” Safe space, open communication Creates a safe environment for open communication.
“I want to make sure you feel heard and understood.” Heard, understood Emphasizes the importance of being heard and understood.
“I’m here to help you navigate this, however I can.” Navigation, support Offers assistance in navigating the situation.
“I want to acknowledge that this is a challenging situation.” Acknowledgment, challenging Acknowledges the difficulty of the situation.
“I’m here to validate your feelings and experiences.” Validation, feelings Validates their feelings and experiences.
“I want to offer my support and understanding during this time.” Support, understanding Offers support and understanding.
“I’m here to listen without judgment.” Non-judgmental, listening Offers a non-judgmental listening ear.
“I want to create an environment of trust and openness.” Trust, openness Fosters trust and openness.
“I’m here to help you process your thoughts and emotions.” Processing, emotions Offers assistance in processing thoughts and emotions.
“I want to provide a safe and supportive space for you to share.” Safe space, sharing Provides a safe space for sharing.
“I’m here to offer empathy and compassion.” Empathy, compassion Offers empathy and compassion.
“I want to make sure you feel respected and valued.” Respected, valued Ensures they feel respected and valued.
“I’m here to help you find clarity and direction.” Clarity, direction Offers assistance in finding clarity and direction.
“I want to offer my unwavering support and encouragement.” Unwavering support, encouragement Offers unwavering support and encouragement.
“I’m here to help you build resilience and strength.” Resilience, strength Offers assistance in building resilience and strength.
“I want to create a space where you feel empowered to express yourself.” Empowerment, expression Empowers them to express themselves.
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Usage Rules and Considerations

Choosing the right alternative phrase depends on several factors. Consider the following guidelines:

  • Relationship: The closer your relationship, the more informal you can be.
  • Context: A professional setting requires more formal language than a casual conversation.
  • Topic: Sensitive topics require more empathetic and gentle language.
  • Personality: Consider the other person’s personality and communication style.
  • Timing: Choose a time when the other person is likely to be receptive and not distracted.

It’s also important to be genuine and sincere. People can often detect insincerity, which can undermine your efforts to create a positive environment.

Use language that feels natural to you and reflects your true intentions.

Finally, be prepared to adjust your approach based on the other person’s reaction. If they seem uncomfortable or resistant, you may need to slow down, offer reassurance, or even postpone the conversation to a later time.

Common Mistakes to Avoid

Several common mistakes can undermine your efforts to use alternative phrases effectively. Here are some to avoid:

  • Being too vague: If you are too indirect, the other person may not understand the need for a conversation.
  • Using sarcasm or passive-aggressive language: This can create defensiveness and resentment.
  • Avoiding the conversation altogether: Delaying the conversation can worsen the problem.
  • Not being prepared: Go into the conversation with a clear idea of what you want to discuss and what outcome you are hoping for.
  • Dominating the conversation: Make sure to listen to the other person’s perspective and allow them to express their feelings.

Here’s a table illustrating some common mistakes and how to correct them:

Incorrect Correct Explanation
“I just need to say something…” (without context) “I wanted to chat about the project timeline when you have a moment.” Provides context and softens the approach.
“We need to talk… it’s important.” (vague and alarming) “I’d like to discuss something important with you when you’re free.” Less alarming and more respectful of their time.
(Silence, followed by an accusatory tone) “I’ve noticed something and wanted to get your thoughts on it.” Opens the conversation without accusation.
“We need to talk, and you know why.” (accusatory) “I wanted to discuss the recent incident and understand your perspective.” Focuses on understanding their perspective.

Practice Exercises

Here are some practice exercises to help you apply the concepts discussed in this article. For each scenario, choose the most appropriate alternative phrase from the options provided.

Exercise 1: Selecting the Best Phrase

Choose the best alternative phrase for each scenario:

Scenario Phrase Options Answer
You need to discuss a performance issue with an employee. a) “We need to talk.” b) “I want to see you in my office.” c) “I’d like to schedule a meeting to discuss your performance.” c
You want to address a conflict with a close friend. a) “We need to talk, it’s serious.” b) “I’m mad at you!” c) “I wanted to chat about something that’s been bothering me.” c
You need to discuss a financial issue with your partner. a) “We need to talk about money.” b) “I’m worried about our finances.” c) “Can we take some time to review our budget together?” c
You want to give constructive feedback to a colleague. a) “We need to talk about your work.” b) “Your work isn’t good enough.” c) “I have some feedback for you that I think could be helpful.” c
You need to address a behavioral issue with your child. a) “We need to talk about your behavior.” b) “You’re in trouble!” c) “I wanted to discuss your actions and how we can improve them.” c
You want to initiate a difficult conversation with a family member. a) “We need to talk, and you’re not going to like it.” b) “I have something to tell you that’s important.” c) “I wanted to find a quiet moment to discuss something that’s been on my mind.” c
You need to address a problem with a service provider. a) “We need to talk about your terrible service.” b) “I’m going to complain about you!” c) “I wanted to discuss some issues I’ve been experiencing with your service.” c
You want to discuss a sensitive topic with a therapist. a) “We need to talk about my problems.” b) “I don’t know how to talk about this.” c) “I wanted to explore some feelings and experiences that have been difficult for me.” c
You need to address a disagreement with a neighbor. a) “We need to talk about your noise!” b) “I’m going to call the police!” c) “I wanted to have a friendly chat about the noise levels recently.” c
You want to discuss a concern with a teacher or professor. a) “We need to talk about my grade.” b) “I don’t understand anything!” c) “I wanted to schedule a meeting to discuss my understanding of the material.” c

Exercise 2: Rewriting Phrases

Rewrite the following phrases using a more gentle and collaborative approach:

  1. “We need to talk about your attitude.” (Rewrite: “I’ve noticed some behaviors and I’d like to discuss how we can work together to improve them.”)
  2. “We need to talk about the report.” (Rewrite: “I wanted to go over the report with you and get your input.”)
  3. “We need to talk about what happened.” (Rewrite: “I’d like to discuss the recent events and understand your perspective.”)
  4. “We need to talk about

    about your performance.” (Rewrite: “I wanted to schedule a meeting to discuss your performance and identify areas for growth.”)

  5. “We need to talk about the mistake you made.” (Rewrite: “I wanted to review the situation and discuss how we can prevent similar issues in the future.”)

Advanced Topics in Conversational Nuance

Beyond choosing the right phrase, mastering conversational nuance involves understanding non-verbal cues, active listening, and emotional regulation. Here are some advanced topics to consider:

  • Non-Verbal Communication: Pay attention to your body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. Maintain eye contact, use a calm and reassuring tone, and avoid crossing your arms or appearing defensive.
  • Active Listening: Listen attentively to the other person’s perspective, ask clarifying questions, and summarize their points to ensure understanding. Show empathy and validate their feelings.
  • Emotional Regulation: Manage your own emotions and avoid reacting impulsively. Take a deep breath, pause before responding, and focus on finding a constructive solution.
  • Conflict Resolution: Learn conflict resolution techniques such as negotiation, mediation, and compromise. Focus on finding common ground and reaching a mutually agreeable outcome.
  • Cultural Sensitivity: Be aware of cultural differences in communication styles and adapt your approach accordingly. Avoid making assumptions or stereotypes.

Mastering these advanced topics can significantly enhance your ability to navigate difficult conversations and build stronger relationships.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: What if the other person still gets defensive, even with a gentle approach?

A: Acknowledge their feelings, validate their perspective, and offer reassurance. Slow down the conversation and give them space to process their emotions.

If necessary, suggest postponing the conversation to a later time.

Q: How do I handle a situation where I need to deliver bad news?

A: Be direct but empathetic. Start by expressing concern for their well-being, deliver the news clearly and concisely, and offer support and resources.

Q: What if I’m not good at expressing my feelings?

A: Practice expressing your emotions in a safe and supportive environment. Consider journaling, talking to a trusted friend or therapist, or taking a communication skills workshop.

Q: How do I know if I’m being too indirect?

A: If the other person seems confused or doesn’t understand the need for a conversation, be more direct. Provide context and explain the purpose of the discussion.

Q: What if I’m afraid of the other person’s reaction?

A: Acknowledge your fear and remind yourself of the importance of the conversation. Prepare yourself mentally and emotionally, and focus on communicating your message clearly and respectfully.

Conclusion

Mastering alternative phrases to “We need to talk” is a valuable skill for effective communication in all areas of life. By understanding the nuances of language, considering the context, and practicing empathy, you can create a more positive and productive environment for difficult conversations.

Remember to be genuine, sincere, and adaptable, and always prioritize building trust and understanding. With practice and patience, you can transform challenging conversations into opportunities for growth, connection, and positive change.

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